Trusting the practice

I’m practicing with AE this week. And it’s intense. I’ve been doing a lot of backbends before I do finishing.

In class, I’m usually one of the beginners. Most of the yogis practicing there are on Intermediate series. So it was just a few people doing Primary series. And I have so much respect for these people’s dedication and discipline to the practice.

And as I was struggling on my mat, I noticed that everyone is also struggling. That sounds awful – but I mean it in a beautiful and inspiring way. Their practices are advanced but they also struggle – some are afraid of what they need to do, but still practice, some get tired and rest, some are aching all over but still practice. It’s just inspiring that all these people are also putting so much commitment to the practice. More than them doing these mind blowing asanas, they were just practicing – and that’s inspiring.

—

I remember when I was just so afraid of dropbacks. I felt anxious everytime I had to do it. I took long breaks and did long pep talks to myself before my next backbend. But doing it regularly, I realized I was starting to analyze what I need to do, more than being anxious. I was starting to analyze what worked for me and what didn’t. What the teacher told me months before and how it now makes more sense. Then I just practiced hanging back on walls whenever I felt tired at work and whenever I needed a break (it can be relaxing!) Then one day, I decided to dropback. And today, I stood up! I feel like I can do anything now.

I imagine I will find something I’m afraid of pretty soon. and Ashtanga will just keep on teaching me to recognize that fear, to understand it, to face it everyday, and trust that one day, I’ll conquer it. Over and over again.

Much like the inspiring yogis I get to practice with this week.

Practice with Integrity

The theme of my practice these days is to practice with integrity.

I’ve been lazy the past months, either not practicing or cutting my practice short. I used to feel so guilty when I miss practice that I was in a bad mood the rest of the day. The past lazy months however had none of the bad mood or guilt feeling, and I was unattached to my physical practice! — but I do recognize my laziness.

So this year, I hope to practice with more integrity – meaning going to my mat and just doing the best I can. To have focus and discipline while being kind to myself.

Lately, I also notice that when I have bad thoughts or opinions, I don’t speak them out or share them. When people confide in me, I have a tendency to analyze and judge – and there is this overwhelming desire to share this opinion. Lol. But lately I’m able to pause and think what value will it have if I say it. and usually there’s none. So I don’t. And surprisingly, I feel good about myself for choosing to pause and choose how i respond.

This morning, I tried to recall the instances I did this – and felt like it’s my bank of good deeds – which is silly. In the same vein, recalling it too much reinforces the negative thoughts that I suppressed. It might be healthier to not give any more energy to it and just let it go. Put my thoughts and energies in more positive things. Choose to.

Challenge is, during breakfast, when trying to strike up a conversation with my parents, every subject/ thought of mine got filtered out, I was left with nothing to say. LOL. I need to cultivate good and positive energy and thoughts.

No Hurry

I felt a sudden snap on my left hip from SK. So I stopped & tried to be mindful of my hip, did lotus and a few other postures before a long savasana.

I felt the stretch/snap and I knew it came when I tried to touch my feet in SK. But it isn’t a sharp pain, it is more of a sensation that I feel when I do forward bends. It feels like something is out of place, rather than broken, torn or injured.

Surprisingly, I didn’t feel that bad about it. I thought, “Oh, I wanted to finish my practice since I was really enjoying it, but oh well!”. I googled about it and most SK pain is on the collar bone not on the hip, so I tried to look for SI joint injuries to figure out if this is what it is. But I’m still not entirely sure.

My “injury” doesn’t hamper my normal activities but I do feel a sensation when I get up from bed, when I crouch down to wear my pants, or when I tuck my hip in. Umm, I’m limping when I go up and down the stairs too. I’m guessing that when I lengthen that muscle/ligament, that’s when I feel it.

So this morning, after much procrastinating, I practiced. It was beautiful. I was more focused because of my left hip. I took extra breaths in my forward bends and didn’t push myself. I only did until Janu A to assess how my body felt, and check how I should modify the practice. I was bummed (for a few minutes maybe) that I won’t be able to practice hang backs and might not “progress” as I expected, but also realized, I don’t need to compete, I don’t need to get new asanas. I’m fine where I am. Yes, I’m planning to travel  next week to practice with a teacher – and this might actually be a good opportunity to learn how to practice with my hip (if its still bothersome then). I might not be at my physical best when I visit, but Ashtanga is a practice, I’m not meant to be at my best all the time.

It is rather in times when I’m lazy, semi-injured, sad and emotionally unstable – that the practice really becomes a practice.

So I’ll just enjoy it a day at a time. No rush — I have my whole life to practice.

As Guruji used to say, “Why hurry?”

Continuum

This urge to start something new is always exciting.

Probably because I can and choose to see it in rose tinted lenses.

But most times, I’ve already started and just refuse to recognize it as a start.

The tempting thing in starting over is the ease in which I drop and leave everything else.

Square one is never really a square one.

We hold different values dear, molded by experiences, struggle internally.

That we bring with us in Square One.

To acknowledge the whole journey continuum, with the little starts and stops, is a difficult lesson.

Distracted

Funny how I only have the motivation to write when I practice. I’ve been on a break for almost a month. I wasn’t injured, I wasn’t busy. I was just lazy. After 6months of consistent and dedicated practice, I let myself be distracted. It started with my relatives visiting, then watching TV shows I couldn’t / wouldn’t let go off even when I wake up in the morning, and later the traveling excuse. Sigh. I’ve been a bad yogi. I did some sun salutes or until the fundamental asanas around once a week, but not my full practice. I could feel I was only doing it just to tell myself I did something – but I didn’t have Tristhana in practice. So I doesn’t feel like practice.

Today, after days of procrastination, I practiced again. Practice meaning I was on my mat, mindful of my breathing, my drishti and my asana. Far from perfect. But I’m happy I practiced. On my mat, there is this euphoric feeling that I’m practicing – each asana and the transitions between the asanas felt new – and I’m puzzled why I gave in to my laziness, when practicing brings so much to me.

I feel I’m still distracted but that’s why I need yoga.

Mental practice

When I practice, I’ve noticed that I feel a sensation/ pain/ stiffness usually on my left knee, right hip, right shoulder and left wrist. It isn’t always the case, but if something is unusual, its usually one of those body parts. And so I try my best to always listen and take it as a reminder to take it slow, flow with my breath, and see where I can go while cultivating kindness in practice.

Last week, I was thinking how troublesome it is to feel these during practice. Though it does help and make me reflect on what I’m potentially doing wrong in and out of the practice that make it hurt. And sometimes that leads to a very focused and mindful practice – but it still is a bother.

But today, I realized that physical sensations are the least of my challenges. I felt physically well today BUT my mind was all over the place. I resisted starting practice for 30mins. Until I was able to convince myself to do just Sun Salutations. After that, I was able to finish the standing poses before I’m tempted to stop again. Then once I reached seated, I kept telling myself that I can practice Full Primary tomorrow instead and just cut the practice. It was a mental practice to stop my mind from these thoughts and proceed. I felt physically strong today and I wasn’t even tired or out of breath but I stopped after Bhujapidasana and just did the last three closing poses. Yes, I gave in.

Looking back, I realize it is always my thoughts and my mind that is the greater challenge in practice. During the times when I have some form of physical pain, I’m still able to practice until the end. Even on days when I have a runny nose or have difficulty breathing, those challenges are so minor compared to my mind.

John Scott did say that yoga is mind control.

Trusting the practice

I think Ashtanga yoga is just amazing. It lets you face yourself on the mat. And you always have the decision how you will respond each day.

Once you get comfortable, it introduces you to things you fear, doubt, make you look silly, etc. And at this point, backbends has been a challenge and my fear.

As I was thinking about how to rock up to standing this morning ,and which muscles to engage, what to be aware of, I realized I was no longer telling myself that I can’t do this. I was thinking of the little ways I can practice it. And I realize, the practice lets me  overcome my fear not only because I have to face it everyday (and become used to it) but also because I learn how to understand it objectively and in understanding it slowly realize that there is nothing to fear.

When I was introduced to dropbacks, I wouldn’t do it. Not unless my teacher stands in front of my mat and motions me to do it. I didn’t have the nerve to practice hang backs on my own! I was afraid I’ll fall. And now, with my teacher’s advice to just trust the practice, I practice hang backs. Still a long way to practice but I’m happy where I am.

Its amazing how I’m faced with different kinds of fear – and how I respond to each differently. And the process to overcome them is also different (or the same). I remember how I doubted myself transitioning from Bhujapidasana to jump to chaturanga because I knew I will fall face down on my mat. But one day, my teacher told me to do it, I hesitated so many times until the point that I was willing to fall face down on the mat just to show him I can’t do it. But when I tried, I was able to do it! And I realized, it was only in my head that I kept telling myself that I can’t do it. I was afraid of something I was already capable of. I let that fear of falling on my face and my sureness that I will fall limit me.

So when my teacher told me to trust the practice despite the physical and mental conditions, I told him I will – and hope to slowly trust the practice more than I do my fears (and my thoughts, my feelings, and my doubts, my judgments, etc.)

And the practice is showing me just that.

Practicing on lazy days

I’ve been attending classes under an Authorized teacher this year. And I’ve gained so much progress – physically and mentally!

My teacher has recently given me Dropbacks – and I’m confronted with my doubts and fears each time I’m on the mat. Instead of feeling happy after I finish the mountain of Bhujapidasana, Supta Kurmasana and Garbha Pindasana (all of which I have so much to practice on), I now feel a bigger mountain is on its way.

Without my teacher with me everyday, I struggle to practice this without any assists. So I just do hanging backbends (no dropping); and I just rock from my Urdhva Dhanurasana.

Last night, I was reading through some blog posts about the practice and I found one saying that a few months after their visit to Mysore, the magic is lost, bubbles are burst. They feel lethargic and find it difficult to get to the mat in the morning. And I thought to myself. Good thing, that hasn’t happened to me yet this year. Ever since I’ve gone to my teacher in January and April and recently the last weekend, I feel very motivated. I even have to force myself to take the rest day. Then this morning, I felt so lethargic! It was actually a struggle on the mat, constantly tempting me to cut the practice short. But I persisted. Hooray. It was a challenging (mental) practice – but I’m still glad I did. I was so tired I wanted to take a 20min nap after savasana.

My practice has gotten longer -since my teacher gave me the whole primary series. Then recently giving me dropbacks to practice. So I do my 3 Urdhva Dhanurasanas, then 3 Wheels walking my hands closer to my feet the first with my head down, then without, then trying to rock back up (and failing lol). Then 3 times of trying to just hang from standing. I can feel reaching to parts of my spine I’ve never accessed before. So I think my body is still getting used to this increased physical activity – and my mind debating and bargaining with me each time also takes a lot of energy. So I have lots to practice.

This lethargic feeling is still with me now (after practice). And I remember the lesson from my mat, I can choose how my next breath will be – mindful and full of energy or succumb to my laziness. Namaste!

Mysore and my mind

Sept 16, 2016

I self-practiced ashtanga this morning.  

I felt stiff at the start – because I haven’t practiced while traveling (boo!) and my breathing isn’t as deep as it should be (my throat is still recovering and my nose are still perpetually clogged, which is always the first to give when my immune system is weak). So I only practiced until half Primary then went on to the Finishing sequence. 

But I didn’t think I’d reach until half series today. I thought I’ll do Sun Salutes and some standing poses. My mind was set that I couldn’t do it because I was still recovering but Ashtanga really surprises me. I discover more and more how I let my mind control me and make me think I know my limits – when I should just let my practice be a practice – and not set any expectation, limit or goal. 

so it just feels good to practice again.

Relationships around food

I feel like I’m on a tipping point with food.

I realize most of my earliest posts were about food. Good food made/makes me happy. Trying out new restaurants and dishes was a bonding experience for me and my sister. Food was/is always part of travel. I would search what to eat whenever we travel and hunt for restaurants, street markets and dishes or snacks to try. As Jonathan Safran Foer explains food is part of the stories we tell ourselves (Yup, I read “Eating Animals” by the same author).

And I guess the story I’m creating for myself is changing – and thus it also changes the story others see in and create with me .

I’ve always liked eating vegetables because its healthy and tastes good. But that’s it. Growing up, I strive to be the person who doesn’t give anyone any trouble (even food troubles). So whenever I go out with friends or family, and they ask, “what do you want to eat?” my default (and sometimes frustrating) answer has always been “anything” because I can eat anything. I valued pleasing others rather than imposing my wants (also because it is difficult to choose once I do try to think of what i really want).

My recent Yoga teacher training made me realize that I should care. They didn’t lecture or harp on it. It was so briefly touched but the daily vegetarian meals did have an effect on me. I read Foer on my own volition. And I was struck that I never thought of those animals on my plate. I knew they were animals and I knew the farm factories are not perfect and I just “forget” about it each time I ate!

I remember once we (my family) heard this awful sound from our neighbors and realized it was a pig screaming. We peeked from our windows and saw this huge pig with its legs tied to a wooden rod held off the ground. They were draining the blood from the pig and it won’t stop screaming. It was disturbing. It was around 20-30 meters from us and it won’t stop crying. It was around lunch time and we were supposed to eat – and on the dining table was pork! I was conflicted that day and didn’t want to eat. When you hear a pig helplessly crying from agony while you are on a table with your family, saying grace and thanks for the meal you are about to eat, it is just wrong.

But that didn’t turn me vegan. When the pig finally stopped crying, I just forgot about it again. But it must have planted seeds in me. More seeds later, and years of yoga practice must have gotten to me. And I realize that I want to be more ethically conscious and responsible rather than socially acceptable and pleasing. That I don’t need to satisfy my taste buds all the time. That killing an animal so that I can eat something satisfying and yummy isn’t right. That I can lead a healthy life without causing daily suffering to another living being.

And suddenly I am transitioning. I’m eating less and less meat. I’m learning about chia seeds, flaxseeds, quinoa, lentils, chickpeas, nuts, oats and cereals!

Growing up as a meat eater, surrounded by family and friends who are meat eaters, it has been difficult. Difficult because I know my family is adjusting around me. My sister now chooses restaurants with vegetarian options when I’m with her. My sibs see me setting aside small bits of meat in the shared veggie dishes. I’m slowly becoming a troublesome eater (and a source of worry for my mother). Sometimes, a meat dish that my mom & I used to enjoy is on the table, and I’m sad that I can’t partake, eat and share moments like that with her anymore. There are subtle changes being made in the relationships around me because of my food choices.

I am still happy with good food. I still like tasty and delicious food (who doesn’t?) but now I like them without meat. I can still bond with friends and family over food – but I just eat differently.

I realize that taste is something I can easily let go. It is the relationships around me that are subtly affected and evolving that bother me more. The challenge for me now is to embrace my evolving story as a “troublesome” eater; to accept the loss of certain experiences & traditions; and creating new stories and relationships built around our collective food choices.